Summer is the season to indulge in the kind of trashy magazines I normally don’t have time for during the school year–both because I am legitimately curious to know which eyeshadow will not melt off my eyes while I’m at the beach, and because the “articles” and features are usually hilarious. After reading across a spectrum of magazines with my roommate these past few weeks, I’ve come to notice that most of them have several important take-away messages in common.
1. That New-fangled diet secret of the enviably skinny model-set? Super secret weight-loss thingy you’ve NEVER heard of? Always boils down to the same thing: exercise more, and please, wean yourself from that silly dependence on real food.
2. 438569876 New Sex Tips never before known to womanhood = less talky, more touchy, and you know where.
3. The “new” lipcolors of the season?!?!?! are red, nude, coral, and pink. Shocking! Red lipstick, what’s that?
4. Horoscope!: Try something new this month! Or play it safe. Either way, you’ll end up happy. Or not, but you’ll learn an important life lesson. Hook up with a new guy! But if you don’t feel like doing that, embrace your singledom! Basically, anything that happens to you, no matter how insignificant, will play right into these base-covering statements.
5. Celebrities are NOT like us, no matter how many photo-spreads People magazine devotes to this cause, because they say things like, “I would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can” –Gwyneth Paltrow (I kid you not).